Turn off the lights and turn off the shyness

we all have our vices we all have our flaws we all have our anger we all have our love

Tue, 13 May 2008 18:11:46 GMT

So Sunday I went to Rasputin (big music store out here) and while browsing the punk/indie section I came across Anti-Flag's new album. I had not realised that it had already been released. I know, "some fan" you must be thinking. Well between the bouts of bad news and the rats that have once again taken up residence in our cieling- I was a little distracted.

Anyways, needless to say I immediately purchased said album from the cute mohawked man behind the counter.

Not being able to find it yesterday, I began listening to it today. And holy shit.

First of all, there is a recipe on the back of the lyric booklet for making wheat paste used to plaster posters and bulletins. I was amused.

Secondly, the album- amazing. I don't usually do a track by track analysis of songs, but I feel like this album warrants one since it has been a while since I bought a new album that is actually new.

1)Good and Ready
I heard them play this song live when I saw them in April and is is just as amazing on the Cd as it was live. It's a nod to the quagmire that we as a nation have gotten ourselves into and how we are not going to take anymore shit from those in power. Key lyric is the chorus: You'll get yours when you're good and ready, you'll get yours and go straight to hell

2)Bright Lights of America. This is the title track, the album being of the same title. And just- amazing. It's a cry for unity among the disenfranchised. And it's beautiful. Key lyric there are warehouses full of fucked up kids like you and me

3)Vices
The piano intro is beautiful. I don't know if this song is autobiographical but the narrator in the song is ashamed of his father and is making his voice heard. Key lyric: we all have our vices we all have our flaws. We all have our anger we all have our love

4)The Modern Rome Burning
A reflection on how we allowed ourselves to become involved in the war in Iraq, and how we alowed our country to get tot he state is in now. Key lyric: how did we get into this mess? The question is hypothetical

5)If You Wanna Steal (You Better Learn How To Lie)
Fatherly advice on how to survive in the world. Key lyric: if you wanna live, you better not fear how you die

6)No Warning
A call to arms so to speak- to make your voice heard. Key lyric: keep your politics out of my apathy

7)Spit in The Face
another angry look at society, of what we do to each other and ourselves. But deep within is a hope for a new nation. Key lyric: the nation is dead, long live the new nation

8)We Are The Lost
an amazing song speakign to those who feel invisible, powerless and hopeless. Key lyric: we may failt o see change, but we're never going to fade away. We will be seen

9)Go West
a plea to live your life the way you want, to go where your heart leads you. Key lyric: life can lead you along on a leash, or you can break free and run on your own

10)Smartest Bomb
a wake up call to those who follow the crowd. Key lyric There is nothing left to say. Will you follow?

11)Shadow Of The Dead
a tribute to revolutionary thinkers. Key lyric: Open it up, tear it up, fuck it up, In the streets run a river red knee deep

12)The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid)
an incredibly bleak and dark forecast of what is to come if we continue on this path. Key Lyric: be very afraid of the coming nightmare. The neo-christian theocrats pray on a Sunday afternoon, then welcome in Pinochet's men to intimidate and kill

All in all an excellent album. Oh,a nd please keep in mind these are my interpretations of the lyrics- I don't speak for anyone but myself.

Mon, 12 May 2008 15:27:14 GMT

It's ten minutes past five and she was supposed to have left at five. She, R, never leaves on time- no matter how many times I tell her "go ahead, I'm fine."

She's fussing- getting things ready, tidying things up. I don't know why R's stalling. My boss is waiting for her- my boss should have left an hour and ten minutes ago.

"What is she doing?" My boss, E, asks as R walks across the hall and into our staff room.

I look up from helping a child write and shrug. I don't know what R is doing. I've long ago stopped trying to analyze what R does.

E's fingers tap the side of her jeans- she needs to smoke.

Finally we hear R call across the hall "Ok, I'm almost ready." I can see her putting on her coat. That's a good sign.

I jump up, "Hold that though S," I say to the little girl sitting next to me. I run out of the classroom, throwing "I'll be right back" over my shoulder.

Could E fire me for that? Yes. Will she? No.

I run into the staff room startling R. "What are you doing over here?"

I look at her and try hard not to cry.

She's sick. I don't know what she has- hell the doctors don't know what she has. But she tires more easily, she eats less than she did before which was never that much to begin with. She's lost three pounds when she couldn't afford to loose even a half a pound. She doesn't walk up stairs well and she has trouble breathing.

And it scares me. This woman means the world to me. She supports me, loves me encourages me. I can't even begin to explain in words what she is to me, how much she means to me. How much she's helped me along the road. She's made me a better teacher.

But I don't cry, I just say, "I wanted to give you a hug."

She looks at me suspiciously. Not because I've asked for a hug. We hug all the time. It's the fact that I've been hugging her every five minutes today.

I just smile, wide an innocent. Her shoulders relax and she wraps her thin arms around me.

She holds on tightly and I whisper "I love you R."

And then she whispers back, "I love you too. Take care of yourself now Kate. You're my hero."

And I say, "You're mine."

She lets go and smiles slowly, then she walks out the door.

I run back into the classroom and E says goodbye.

And I stand in the classroom and watch the elevator doors close behind them.

And I guess the hug was supposed to reassure me, but now I'm more worried than ever. So I just stand there until the children are suddenly swarming around me, begging, pleading, for a dance party.

So I snap out of it, and say "Ok, what music?"

And one says, "The Beatles."

So six four and five year-olds and I put on Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds and dance like there's no tomorrow.

And I try not to put that phrase in connection with my sick friend.

And then this little girl who doesn't quite trust me all the way, smiles at me and slips her little hand in mine. And it's brief- she dances away a moment later- but it puts a smile on my lips.

And I concentrate on that the rest of the weekend.

I lost my faith to this- this town that don't exist...

Thu, 08 May 2008 18:38:13 GMT

No pics of the tattoos yet. Sorry to those who wanted to see 'em. This week is teacher appreciation week and the parents here are awesome. A few weeks ago they passed around a survey asking what your favourite things were. Favourite snack, favourite sweet treat, favourite gum, etc. One thing was favourite flower. Mine (all emo ism aside) is a bleeding heart. Now this is a plant, and not really sold as part of arrangements or anything. So yesterday I walk into the staff room and find a bag withmy name on it (all the teachers had one). Inside are all my favourite treats, a gift certificate to borders, and a bleeding heart palnt. An entire plant. I started to cry. I've always loved these flowers and they remind me so much of home b/c my mother always had them growing everywhere.

I love this group of parents.

Tonight I'm going to see Rebel Without a cause (which I have nevers een) on the big screen with Lyda and her friend Sarah and Benj. Should be fun. Then Sarah is gonan crash with me and Benj.

love to all

ps i am obsessed (re obsessed I guess) with Green Day's American Idiot Album.

Tears come from the razor that's been tattooed below his eye...

Mon, 05 May 2008 15:00:35 GMT

So I got me a new tattoo on Saturday. I now have four coloured stars on my arm, right above my snake. I got one for each member of the family in their favourite colors- except for Colin because he was the last person I talked to. So they're green (my dad) pink (my mom) blue (my brother Ben) and red(my brother Colin). I love them and it wasn't too bad of a sitting. I mean, yeah it hurt. But it wasn't really as bad as my birds and I love talking to Reed because he's hysterical and has a lot of interesting stories both about tattooing and living in Hollywood. He used to talk about living in the Bay area ages ago and about how Davey (of AFI) used to work on Telegraph next to the tattoo shop.

I was amused.

It's doing well, just a little sore. For those of you who have never had a tattoo, it feels like a sunburn.

Pics to follow as soon and Benj figures out her camera.

Anyways, in other news I saw Forbidden Kingdom yesterday and I know a lot of you are saying right now "why the fuck would you watch that?"

Well, I'm a sucker for almost ANY martial arts movie. House of flying daggers was excellent- and anything in that vein is right up my alley.

I really liked FK. Seriously? Martial arts and hot girls kicking boys ass? I'm fine with that

nobody's perfect and I stand accused...

Fri, 02 May 2008 22:20:49 GMT

Randomness #1 I couldn't find my Metro Station Hoodie this morning which prompted me to walk around singing "come on Trace I need you"

Randomness #2 I was standing outside, door open, watering the seeds with my hoodie on and figured I was ready to go so I shut the door. Locking inside my backpack containing my lunch, my wallet, and yes, my keys.

Randomness #3 I'm seriously missing my family right now. They are all gathering tomorrow for my Grandma's 80th birthday party. I'll be the only one not there and it suck.

Randomness #4 this kid at school is sweet but a handful- constantly getting into scrapes with friends and the like. I am trying the kill 'em with love approach, but wasn't sure I was getting through. yesterday he was brought downstairs to the office for something. A teacher is sitting with him and she says, "i like sitting with you. You make my body feel safe and calm. Who do you like to sit with to make your body feel safe and calm?" Immediately without hesitation he responds, "Kate."

Randomness #5 I brought the kids down from outside time for project time only to find my boss and all the other kids at circle waiting for me. Turns out the parent got together and got me a card for graduating and passing all my stuff. I almost cried.

i declare I don't care no more

Thu, 01 May 2008 18:09:53 GMT

So I'm reading this book about Green Day- have I mentioned that? It's written by Marc Spitz who is amazing. Just completely amazing. All the "action" as it takes place in the East Bay because that's where they are from. Specifically a lot of action takes place in Berkeley which is where I live now.

The author describes Green Day (obviously) and talsk a lot about their influences on people and bands alike.

I will say this: Green Day's Dookie album was the first cd I ever bought with my own money. I loved it. I loved the lyrics, I loved the singer's voice. And there was a part of me that loved it solely because I was listening to "bad words". I was 12, give me a break. But that is what I remember most about Green Day- relating to those lyrics. Hearing the anxiety, the self doubt. All of that spoke to me, touched me. And it helped me sort through a lot of shit- even as young as 12. And that's what I will always remember about them, feel about them. The words on "She" a constant source of comfort for me during my early- teenage years and even years later when i entered high school. They were the first group that bridged a gap between my brother and I- we both related to them.

And years later, two friends and I, 21 and 22 years old, and a friend who was 15 at the time were driving through downtown Brattleboro in Vermont. We were listening to a mix tape, and Molly, the 15 year old, didn't recognize any of the songs being played. Until the last song on the tape kicked in.

It was Basket Case. And in that awful ford taurus station wagon on a main street in Brattleboro, Danielle 21-year-old , Erin (21), me 22, and 15-year-old Molly were all sinigng one song- bridging the almost 10 year gap.

And the band that did that?

Why Green Day of course.

tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:05:21 GMT

So this weekend went by so fast I feel like it never happened. Friday night I went to a ska show in downtown Berkeley and it was amazing. It was the first ska show I had been to in- jesus I can't even remember; at least a year. Aba went with Benj and I and it was just a really good time- something I needed.

Saturday Benj and I walked up to Telegraph- it was such a beautiful day. I made an appointment to get a new tattoo. I'm getting four stars- one for each family member in their favourite colour. Except for Col, my youngest brother, because he was the last person I talked to so he has to deal with red. I'm excited and- this part may make me a bit of a dork- I was really excited when Reed recognized me right away and didn't ask me to pay a deposit.

Me: don't I need a slip to pay a deposit?

Reed *shrugs* : eh, don't worry about it.

Me: Should I just pay them then?

Reed: nah, don't worry about it. If you aren't gonna show, just call me.

And it's kind of awesome to be trusted by your tattoo artist. I mean, you should always trust them- but they may not always trust you.

Sunday we grocery shopped at the Bowl. For those of you who have never visited me- trust me, it's an experience. After grocery shopping Benj did translations, we planted seeds in the hard soil (Benj says, "man, i feel like we bought this plot of land without looking at it and now we're stuck. Imagine having to start a farm on this") and then we went and saw Harold and Kumar 2.

There are no spoilers here, and even if there were I don't know if anyone on my flist is even remotely interested in the film. But I will say that I loved it. It held the energy and amusement of the first film, and NPH is a genius, as always. And the unicorn- whoo!

Anyways, I thought it was great.

This week is pretty chill, Uncle Donald and Aba are coming for dinner Wednesday so that will be fun.

Hope you all are doing well.

If I fall back down, you're gonna be my friend

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 15:17:06 GMT

I go through stages of missing people- like I'll always miss my friends. But I go through periods where I will intensely miss a particular person hardcore. It'll come when I'm listening to a song that reminds me of them, or eating a food or going to something like warped tour.

So the past few days I've been listening to Rancid non-stop. With a slight break by listening to Rise Against's "Swing Life Away" (which, if you haven't ever listened to, please go do so).

So all this listening to my fav East Bay (representin') punkers has made me miss Phil like crazy.

After all, the boy was the one who introduced them to me, who encouraged me to stick it through the whole album when I complained that it was nothing like what I was used to listening to.

And I'm so glad he did.

And seeing Anti-Flag a couple weeks ago- yeah, the boy introduced me to them as well. To be honest- the boy ushered me into the world of punk and ska- something I will always be grateful for.

Phil opened my eyes to more music forms than I thought possible- The Planet Smashers became near and dear to me because of him.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Point is, pretty much any music I listen to reminds me of him because he was the one that really opened my eyes, and more than that- the one friend who lived, slept, ate, and breathed music.

So I've been missing him like crazy. And last night, in the middle of dinner, my phone went off. And it was him.

I said, "I can't believe you're calling me! I was just talking to someone about how much I missed you."

Slight pause, then- "Well that's crazy because I was just thinking I'd better call Kate!"

Great minds? Coincidence? Fate? Whatever it was it was nice to hear his voice...

my emptiness has built your altar

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 15:25:41 GMT

This weekend was kind of quiet- except for Saturday night when I went out to a bar with Aba and got shamefully drunk. But whatever.

I'm taking tomorrow off of work- I declared it a mental health day. I need it. Although I'm pretty happy at work now because I passed my CDA credential program. That's right- that test I took a few weeks back? I passed! And it feels so good. My boss was so nice- she said that even though I have the paper to back it up, she's always though of me as a teacher. She said that the first several months she was director I was the only person she trusted in the classroom until she was familiar with R, who was a new teacher at the time.

It made me feel good, made me feel like I was appreciated at my job. Even though I know I am. Anyways...

Nothing much going on this week, except of course that I have tomorrow off.

Oh and on Friday I went to Virgin Records and while poking around I bought a Mystery Science Theatre box set (i love them, don't care what anyone else says) and a couple cds from memory lane. I picked up Weezer's Blue album- one I bought originally when I was 13. And Live's Throwing Copper which I bought around the same town. Aside from Lighting Crashes, it has this song on it called Shit Towne. The song is about living in a crappy town. When I was 17 I had this friend Emily. She and I would go driving- not doing anything in particular. Just driving around. We'd talk about our plans to get out of Redding- what we'd do, where we'd go. How we'd leave that stupid high school behind and just be free. I lived right on the border of my town and the next. We'd cue up the song and just when we hit the border of our town we'd play it. Loud, screaming.

I'm out of there, I made it. Thank heavens...

every song i sing i sing for you

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 18:46:59 GMT

Today as I was going up the escalator and emerging from the BART station, someone smelled just like a friend I used to have in high school. It was so strong that for a moment I was convinced that when I got out of the station to the top of the escalotor I'd see him.

But when I emerged there was nothing but homeless people and a strong scent of urine.

And why oh why does that seem like a metaphor for my life right now??

Last night's Criminal Minds made my heart ache.

I have issues with people wearing t-shirts that advertise things they don't know or understand. why is that?

when did my childhood become culture?

waiting on the world to change

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 18:32:35 GMT

i feel like writing, but i'm in a funk so i don't know what i could write that isn't depressing as hell.

It's national poetry month. i could write about that.

My kids are driving me crazy. My co-workers seem incompetent to me and i just wanna curl up in bed with some tea and a good book and never get out.

i want to feel like the world makes sense. i want to feel that everyone is created equal. i want to believe that racism, sexism, homophobia and any other ism is fading or gone altogether.

i want to scream and shout and raise my fists.

i guess i want another anti-flag show.

i want a vacation. i want my d and my steffie. i want to go exploring life's mysteries with g until we're exhausted from fun.

i miss everyone and everything.

the world seems so dark and scary to me.
hugs to those that need them.

and i'm so bored your words are making sense

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 21:44:31 GMT

I've been feeling really nostalgic the last couple of days.

Maybe it's because Benji's mom is in town and it makes me miss my family.

My dad's in High Point North Carolina right now. He just finished up a furniture show last week. I've been talking to him off and on during it. He sounds so depressed and I feel so badly for him. I don't know what to say. I really want him to come out here and visit, but he doesn't seem to have the money to do so. Or the time really.

I was watching Airplane! today and it made me think of the time two summers ago when my parents and my youngest brother came out to visit me. My brother spent the night at my apartment and we ate junk food and watched Airplane!. It made me miss him so much and made me think about everything I'm missing in his life. And I'm not stupid, I know no one faults me for that. But I just feel crappy. Ben, my other brother, is always coming home for the weekends and watching his soccer games or taking time off to see his school plays. And I'm missing all that.

Don't get me wrong- I don't regret my decision to move out here. I'm just missing my family.

Then I watched Clerks II and it made me miss D so much my heart ached. Especially at the end when it fades out to black and white. It made me think about all those moviefests we had and the late night viewing with surge and candy to get us through. And sometimes my brother's action figures were involved.

Bah. I love everyone out there and I hope you are all doing well.

On and on we sing our songs

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 15:21:54 GMT

Last night Benj and I went to see Anti-Flag and just yeah.

We timed it to miss the first two bands, so we were there for the end of the second band (The Briggs, not bad) and the third band, The Street Dogs who were an awesome punk rock band from Boston. And if you didn't know they were from Boston, all you had to do was wait for the lead singer to open his mouth and talk.

Then Anti-Flag took the stage and they blew everyone out of the water. They were energized, the crowd was energized, everyone was just having a good time, venting their frustrations and their anger at the world and those in charge. We pumped our fists in the air, we raged and screamed and above all- we hoped. We hoped that those of us standing there, fists raised in unison, would leave the venue and infect others with our outrage. #2 and Justin both talked about San Francisco as being a big place for protests and the like and I was beaming, proud of the protests I had gone to, of the way I made my voice heard, even if it was only to myself. I had done what *I* could do. Gone to protests, informed myself and voted.

They paled my favourite song "The End" nestled amongst homemade banners that had the number of days left of Bush's regime. #2 said "Only 288 days left. And on January 20th we are gonna sing and dance and scream 'this is the end!'" And then they sang and we screamed.

I stood on the side, smiling so hard my face ached, watching the pit and just having this good feeling in my stomach. I watched a girl in the circle pit trip and fall and I watched no less than 3 guys running to pull her up. I watched four huge punk rockers form a protective wall in front of Benj and myself and my heart just swelled to bursting. This is family- this is a community. A group of like minded individuals taking care of each other. Because, as Justin screamed at the end of their second encore (which I know pissed of the venue officials) "Take care of each other, you're all you fucking got!"

We will Justin, don't worry. We're gonna do something. You'll see...

speak for yourself or they'll speak for you

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 02:09:29 GMT

This was such an awesome weekend!

Friday: My Chemical Romance, day 2. It rocked harder than day one, which is saying something because day one was awesome. And I suddenly have much love for Billy Talent. Gerard was awesome, Mikey was so commanding that at one point I actually stopped breathing. They were incredible and I lost my voice and my hearing and a crack head tried to pick me up- but it was all worth it.

Saturday: Fundraiser for work at the Ritz Carlton. I got drunk for free and danced with my boss and walked around the Ritz because seriously- when am I going to get the chance to go to the Ritz again? After the fundraiser I went with my boss to her house and hung out with her and her husband for a while before crashing in their guestroom.

Sunday: woke up, stumbled out of bed and found my boss in her kitchen. We watched like three hours of Rob and Big and then I met my friend Lyda for lunch. Lyda and I ate lunch, then walked through Golden Gate Park to Haight Street and I bought hair dye. Then we walked back to her place and she gave me a ride to Berkeley.

All in all, a fabulous weekend. And tomorrow- ANTI-FLAG!!!!

if you let go i'll let go tonight

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 15:17:38 GMT

6 Things that are unrelated.

1) Why is it that the people on the television talking about what our education system needs are either people who have never stepped foot in a classroom save for when they were students; or people who were teachers so long ago they have lost touch with the reality of what it is to be a teacher? Those people make me angry. If you're gonna talk about something, make sure you know what you're talking about.

(Hmmm...maybe I should take the hint sometimes?)

2) I just finished Confessions of An Economic Hitman. And yes, I'm aware I'm a little behind on this as it's been out for almost two years I believe. The man who write this book was seated on an airplane next to my father when we were flying to Florida to visit my grandmother. They started talking about his job and regretfully I fell asleep.

But this book- oh my god. It's frustrating, shocking, heart breaking, and hopeful all in one. It's about his job as an EHM as he calls it, going to developing nations or nations trying desperately to modernize and convincing them to make deals and borrow money from The US. And when these struggling nations can't pay back their debt, then the US calls in some favours- army bases and a shit ton of oil.

Read this book. If you only read one non-fiction novel a year or a lifetime, make it this one. Let's do it people. Let's educate ourselves and make a difference. Anti-Flag has a song about John Perkins, it's wonderful. Listen to it. As he urges, read between the lines in your papers or in the news.

We can do it, and no I'm not trying to quote Obama here.

3) I'm going to see My Chemical Romance tomorrow and Friday.

4) I have inflammation of the Carpal Tunnel. All I could think? Ooh, Carpal Tunnel of Love. Oh FOB...

5) METRO STATION I cannot stop listening to their album. I can't. I haven't had this since FOB's album.

6) Have a good day

Yay.

come on (boys) I need you

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 15:09:19 GMT

Why do these continue to own me??

everything about you makes me want to leave you

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 20:55:43 GMT

Things that happened today that I feel like mentioning.

1) This little girl who is obsessed with me sits next to me at morning circle and says, "Kate? I prayed for you last night."

2) This little boy who has special needs says to me,"Kate? You're my...my...oh yeah, my friend!" (it takes him a long time to think of words that he wants)

3) Yesterday was Caesar Chavez Day. He's big hero in California in regards to farm workers rights. I am vague on the details but that's about it in a nut shell. Anyways, a little girl says to me today "Yesterday was Ceasar salad's birthday!"

4) I was pretending to lick frosting off a toy spoon in the sandbox given to me by a child and I accidentally licked it for real. The child almost died laughing.

5) We got to mix soil in paint today and finger paint with it. I haven't had that much fun in ages.

6) My body is sore because a little boy hugged me so hard last night I fell over. Sounds like a negative but the look of love on his face when he jumped on me was worth anything my body dishes out today.

7) Finally hearing my brother's voice and knowing he's ok with his recent legal issues

Hope you are all having good days

the radio collides to the sound of our heartbeats

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 15:11:18 GMT

So last night Benji and I went to the bamboozle show or whatever. I think that's what it was called. Anyways, the players were A Cursive Memory, Metro Station, Armor for Sleep (who were ill and in the hospital so they were not there) Set Your Goals, and Saves the Day.

Now, I may loose "Scene points" for saying this, but- I don't really like Saves the Day.

Moving on.

Benj and I really only went for one reason and one reason only. Metro Station.

And ok, if I was being honest I would say two reasons- Metro Station and Trace the lead guitarist.

Now I swear on my limited edition Peace converse hi tops that I have never been the kind of girl to like a band based on the way they look. Metro Station was opening for another band we were into a few months back and we checked them out before we went like we do with all opening bands. Their music and their looks intrigued me.

Benj bought the album and I got it through her and just. Yeah. The music is fun and dancey and the lyrics are extremely sexual and the way they're delivered it's just-

yeah.

And last night, watching them- it was just so much fun. Like I've said before live music is the best thing in the world to me, but Metro Station made it that much more fun. Dancing with them, singing with them, listening to them, the whole thing was just amazing. Mason's voice is incredible and his delivery is commanding. And Trace- Trace holds your attention like you wouldn't believe. The way he moves on stage, the way he exudes sexuality is just incredible. It's strange and this may be but I can count on one hand the number of guys I've been attracted to and still have fingers left over. I mean there are tons of guys I think are good looking, hot even. But guys that I would actually sleep with? Not so much. But Trace- yeah. And it's so weird because I never really think that about people in bands. I don't know...

But I highly recommend their music to you all, everything else aside.

I'll have more music themed rants this week as I am seeing My Chemical Romance twice this week. But more on that later.

Peace and love all!

the songs and the words own the beating of our hearts

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 15:22:20 GMT

I think I'd update more often if I had more to say.

I'm feeling kind of blah at the moment- might just be the hormones talking. I feel frustrated at work. I love it, don't get me wrong- but I just get frustrated. I would do anything for these kids. And I guess I just feel frustrated with people who work there and don't feel the same way.

I want so badly to jump on the whole "Panic at the Disco has changed" train- but many have said what I would have said and better. And for the record, no. I don't like their new album either. I fear they will go the way of Good Charlotte and even Simple plan to some extent. But I will never stop loving their first album- that's for sure.

Music- it's so important to me it's such a part of me. It's been a constant since my mom was pregnant with me- she used to play music for me- Paul Winter and his whale sounds.

When my brother and I were little on Friday nights my dad used to play DJ and after dinner we'd hang out in the living room and listen to records. Actual records, smooth and black and worn with age. And he'd play the Beatles, the Stones, Simon and Garfunkel, Jethro Tull. Anything and everything. My first concert was when I was nine. I saw James Taylor when I was 11 or 12. And it just kept on going.

So I take music very seriously I guess is the point of all this. It doesn't make me an authority on anything- but then again what makes anyone an authority on anything? A degree? Or a love of what they are talking about?

I'm rambling, but it comes down to this. The music I love touches me in ways I can never shake off. Panic's first album does this to me. Good Charlotte's first and second album does this to me. All of FOB's albums do this to me. Rancid does this to me. Panic's new album- not so much.

Then again, what do I know. I'm no expert.

Have a good day everyone...

and every little pat on the shoulder for attention fails to mention I still hate you

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 14:52:00 GMT

I feel like all my posts these days are about my kids. But then again, they make me happy and the world to me seems frightening these days.

My Easter went well. My godfather Donald came over and Lyda and our neighbour Aba. He's this cool ex hippie raver kid who is awesome. The food all came out well. Benj made lamb for the meat eaters among us and a quiche with fake meat for me and Lyda. I made scalloped potatoes, stuffed mushrooms, and a green salad. I helped Benj make a strawberry ruhbarb crumble and she made minted peas.

Everyone had a great time!

One of the little girls at school told me I was her best friend. It was so sweet.

I guess that's all. In concert news, I am going to see Metro Station on Sunday. Whoot.

And then it gets crazy. The 3rd and 4th of April I am seeing My Chemical Romance- twice in a row yay! Then the 5th I have to go to a fundraiser for work and on the 7th I am seeing...

ANTI-FLAG!!!! I am so psyched.

that's all the news that's fit to type.

you never looked so good, drinking life down like I wish I could

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 14:52:09 GMT

So today is Good Friday, which I have to confess, always confused me when I was a kid.

Anyway, I have to work. Do you? My children will be there- well, most of them. A few of them are going to Lake Tahoe. They're so excited about snow and I'm just like yeah, that's cool and inside I'm all "fuck the snow!"

Everyday for the last week I've come into work to find a white envelope in my mailbox. The outside says "To Kate from A*****." The inside always says "I love you".

I have like 8 of them now. They're from this little girl who is so proud of them. Yesterday I wrote her one and she just stared at it for a minute. Then her mom came to pick her up and she ran across the playground waving it.

God I love my job.

The other day I was reading this book about a boy and his best friend who is a bear. They find a crashed space ship and a star baby- literally a baby that is a star. So they take the spaceship back to the boy's kitchen and they fix it. At one point, the baby points to something and it floats.

This other little girl sitting there gasps and in an awed tone says "the star baby is magic."

If anyone wants an explanation on how I can work with small children all day- there are two.

All we are saying is give peace a chance

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:02:54 GMT

So today is the fifth anniversary of the war in Iraq. Don't worry, I won't post an essay about, I'm merely mentioning it.

I was supposed to go to a protest tonight with Roxann, but she's sick and I couldn't switch shifts so I think I'll have to miss it. I guess that's why I'm writing in here.

I won't post an essay, but I will say this because it's been hurled at me before:

I don't approve of the war- of any war. But that doesn't mean I hate this country. Because I don't. Does it disappointment me? On a regular basis. Am I ashamed of some of the things we've done? Absolutely. But I love what it was, what it can be. I have hope for it. And above all, I don't hate the men and women over there fighting. I hate that they are there, but I don't hate them. That was hurled at me a lot when I was protesting the marines. I've known people who have gone over to Iraq, my brother has a good friend who is in Iraq. I don't hate them. I hate that people are dying for this war still. It makes me sick to my stomach.

So ok, I guess that was an essay. Sorry all. Your thoughts and counter arguments are welcome of course...

No matter where I go or whore my mind

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 16:26:24 GMT

So...

Say Anything was amazing. I have this weird talent for knowing and calculating exactly when each band will go on. Useless talent- unless you are trying to miss all the bands but one.

So we got there exactly 5 mins before Say Anything went on. So Lyda, Benj and I chatted and Lyda bought a drink and then the lights dimmed and Say Anything took the stage and everything else just melted away. All the stress and agitation just lifted and I just danced and sang and had the best time I've had in a long time. And rae_duhhh they played "Church Channel"!! That's my fav, even if Hayley wasn't there to sing with him.

So a BIG thanks goes to Max and co for helping through my break down.

And as for the test- I think I did pretty well. And most importantly-

IT'S OVER!!

My mind is set on overdrive...

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 22:58:05 GMT

So my BIG TEST is tomorrow and I am scared shitless.

In other news, I'm going to see Say Anything tonight. Last minute decision. It's been a hard week so I felt like I deserved a little fun before my BIG TEST...

So yeah, that'll be fun. And then tomorrow it's assemble the futon and take my test at 5pm.

i'm sure the view from heaven beats the hell out of mine here

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 22:44:06 GMT

I'm in a parking lot eating sandwiches
out of the open trunk of my mother's car
surrounded by cousins

thin ribbons of lettuce line the pavement under our shoes
they're all shiny new and dark- dark brown, black, navy

the shoes, not the lettuce

there are breadcrumbs in the trunk
idly i think my mom might be a bit upset

my cousin Jack hands me one of the three sodas we're sharing

cars pull into the parking lot and look at us strangely
and i guess we must look odd
nine of us in our sunday best, hunched over the trunk of a car
stuffing our faces
but we're too hungry to care because we've been inside
that horrid white building since 9:00am
and it's now 4pm and there's been nothing to eat since breakfast

"besides," my aunt anne says suddenly coming around the corner, "Ed would have loved it."

and we're all quiet because oh yeah, that's why we're here

My grandfather's dead,
this is his funeral
and we've been doing the meeting and greeting
all day
and it's not that I don't want
to pay my respects, it's just that-

there's nothing in there that is my grandfather-

except of course the people he touched
those are endless
family, friends, campers that he had when they were 12, 13
now all in their forties and fifties

Chief, that's what they called him
with his pipe surrounded by his sons and "TP," Tiny Pat
my grandmother his wife of over 50 years

None of us want that
so we're out here, eating and laughing

my cousin Sarah is pregnant
and it's strange, she's younger than me
and unmarried
and she's getting a lot of flack for it
from our Irish (and Italian) Catholic family
but here, today, everyone is thrilled to see
life in the midst of death
everyone keeps asking her
if they could rub her stomach

she's scared, but she has her arm around me
and I love her for it

out here in the parking lot everything is different
and we are laughing and trading stories
and the people just keep driving by us
and shaking their heads in confusion

later, when the sandwiches are done,
my cousin Charlie and I venture back inside
we stand side by side
watching our fathers support our grandmother
their faces never looked more alike

another aunt comes over and introduces herself to Charlie, her own nephew
he gives her a withering look
and says, "I'm your nephew."

It's the one chink in the family really, that woman.

Otherwise we are a rock, a solid mass of people
mourning, celebrating, missing

and i guess that's it- a testament to the man in the coffin
that he was able to bring us all together like that

and we miss him
I miss him
there've been so many times in the last five years
that i've wanted to call him, to hear him
speak to me in French, to hear his laugh
to hear one last time the story about how he found out
that a child in my nursery school class had poured juice in my hair
and he took me aside when we were in France and said
"for you, i'd drop him off le tour d'eiffel."

and that was my grandfather, loyal above all

and it's funny really because of all the images of that day
the one that remains the brightest
is nine of us in our sunday best, huddled around the open trunk of a car
stealing bites of sandwiches and forming a solid unbreakable group
of family, of friends, of love.